I get paid to photoshop Trump's hair on things

August 23, 2017

I get paid to photoshop Trump's hair on things

Well, it all started with me goofing off.

I had this boring admin job where all I had to do was wait for the phone to ring. If it didn’t ring, I just needed to look busy. I wasn’t being paid much, expectations were low – it was a good job, in that way. Not very fulfilling, but good enough.

I started making memes in my downtime. I would go on reddit and instagram and I’d see the funny content and I’d think, “I have a joke for that,” or even, “I can do better than that, that’s not so funny,” you know? And these things, they’d be going viral.

It started small at first, but I guess I was pretty good at it. People were really responding, so I just kept going, and eventually people started to offer to pay me for little things here and there. It totally overtook my job. Ultimately, I couldn’t do both, so I chose the memes.

The Donald Trump thing started naturally enough. Natural being an unusual word when you talk about his hair, but that’s what it was. Everyone was making jokes about his hair, so I just began putting it on things. At first, places where it kind of made sense or said something political, you know? Like, his hair on a stalk of corn, his hair on the Statue of Liberty. But then everyone started wanting his hair on things and, well, photoshopping hair is one of my specialties, so they looked to me.

You see, I had a gig for a long time where I would add wigs to photos of dogs for a drag show, so I knew how to give the Trump hair a bit of movement. I knew how to make sure it fit right, looked right, from day one. The day he announced his campaign, I got calls – and for paid gigs, at that. Once people know you for something, they’ll just keep using you, as long as you do good work and you do it on time and you’re nice. And I like to think I fit that description

Now, I make my whole living on that head of hair alone. It can be very lucrative. I’m working with YouTubers, funny news shows, all sorts of brands – they all want those wispy golden locks on anything I can slap them on. I’ve put his hair on sea creatures, on other politicians, a rooster. There’ve been some real weird ones, like one guy had me do a whole family photo, even the baby and the dog – I think that was just for their Christmas card. Toilet paper, paper towels, bald eagles, backpacks, DVDs of the cult classic film This Is Spinal Tap, you name it, I’ve put Donald Trump’s hair on it. Even on other pictures of Trump’s hair.

People don’t love his hair, they make fun of it a lot, but these days I’m a fan of it – I mean, those golden locks have been like literal gold to me. What can I say? They make me money. What’s not to like? m

Anyway, my parents are all, “You went to Princeton for this?!”, but I’m happy. I really am. My days are so cool now. I stick hair on stuff for money. What a tremendous life, am I right? Yuge, as they say!


-Written by Emily Duncan

Emily is a New York-based comedian and freelance writer with a BFA from NYU Tisch. Emily is an experienced script writer, humorist, and proofreader/editor and even has written a TV pilot.